Day 1:
Tora went to Elin’s place and from there we went to the train station. The Airport Express Train was cancelled of all things, so when another one finally arrived we were really stressed. It was kind of scary – and we tried to call the check-in counter, but they were unable to help us. By the time we arrived at the airport we were (needless to say) tripped out from the stress. We rushed up the escalators and crashed into the check-in counter ONE minute before it was closing. Yes, that’s right. /flex. In the departures section we exchanged some Norwegian money into foreign, funny coins, euro’s. We also took the time to stumble through duty free before meeting up with Fredheim, Sindre and Hugo by the gate. The plane trip was actually insanely dull and cold, and long – and everyone there were just big families going on holiday. When we landed at Ibiza International Airport it was stinking early in the morning, like four or something. The flight had actually arrived way too soon, so turned out we had a lot of time to kill. We found ourselves a taxi that we shared to the hotel, but seeing it was in the middle of the night – our room wasn’t ready yet!
So we had to kill time, and decided to take a walk to explore. Everything was frightfully quiet and empty (we were later to discover that this of course was because everyone who was someone would be out clubbing until at least five). We walked for a long time, actually we are not sure what we were searching for, God knows, but we ended up near the port at a place that sold pizza. Sindre, Hugo and Fredheim lived at a separate hotel from us, and so managed to find a place to sleep, while as Tora and Elin’s room was still to be finished. The man in the reception couldn’t utter a word of English, but through intensive miming and guessing he managed to explain that we could lend a room for two hours. We were obviously explosively tired, like our brains had been knocked into our heads with a plastic hammer – so we accepted gratefully. The two hours of rest passed like a second, and before we even knew it – we were back out on the street, a lazy Ibiza sun barely visible in the horizon. We went for a walk along the beach, and ended up by a coffee table where Tora fell asleep almost instantly. But did we get any peace?
No, I tell you, of course we didn’t. Because by then Tora was inappropriately awakened by two brits that were passing by, calling something like “wakey, wakey!” Their names were Damien and Lee, and they bought us breakfast at a different place. They were really two men in their thirties, at Ibiza for a bachelor party. They were high and stoned out of their own heads, and kept sniffing because they had the “Cuban flu”. Can’t remember what we talked about, it was really quite confusing, and we must’ve looked incredibly tired and scruffy. It must’ve been nine or eight in the morning, the locals were hosing the streets clean and it became lighter. We thanked for the company, and we got Lee’s number (we still have it, he said we could call if we were coming to London sometime!) and we went food shopping. But the room still wasn’t ready, so we had to hang around for even longer. Holy badger. By the time we FINALLY got our room it was midday! But we didn’t really mind, we got changed, went to the beach and made a freshyfresh sandcastle that we decorated with shells. Afterwards we went shopping, we bought a lot of things that we had no need for whatsoever. The bed then started calling for us, so we went back to the hotel and fell asleep. Sometime later, we awoke in hunger and went to that Mexican place by the corner. We ate a lot of delicious foods and had Sangria, yum. The waitress with the long, blonde braids sung ”Happy Birthday” while serving us our pineapple, of all logical things. And the Mexican place pretty much put sparkling things on everything they served. No matter if it was a drink or if it was food.
When we had finished eating, the crazy waitress asked us if we wanted anything else, like “TEQUILA?!” definitely in capital letters. Haha. We went to a funny place and had vodka red bull, and had kind of half decided that we should go to bed. But instead of going back to the hotel, we got a man at a different hotel to call a taxi for us. When it arrived we got in and told him to take us where there would be life and people! The taxi took us to the harbor, almost the same place where we had walked the same morning. The place was packed with people, bars, pubs and smaller clubs. There were lots of music and life and lights and alcohol and happy hours and transvestites, crazy place. We attracted a lot of attention, I suppose because we had no idea where we were going. Obviously we had to find a shop where Elin tried a tøsetop that was very nice, actually. When we had to use the bathroom, we decided to take advantage of the fact that we were standing right outside a really fancy fishrestaurant. So we just paraded on in and used the bathroom, on the way out, Elin was walking first and she winked at the man by the door as if to apologize for us walking right in and then out again. He looked at Tora, pouted and shook his head all like “Shit, she’s hawt!” Maxlol. We had some more vodka redbull at a place called ”The Rock” where we sat waiting for something to happen. But for a change we were good girls and took the initiative ourselves by walking over to a big group of blokes.
We asked if we could sit and bother them for a while, or something like that – which they accepted and we sat with them and told a lot of bullshit about Norway, probably. They bought us drinks and were very talkative, then they bought us tickets for Hed Kandi and generously purchased a boat trip across the port to the club called “El Divino”. It was awesome, it was our very first night there – and we got everything for free! It was super awesome, really fresh, they even bought us drinks at El Divino. They were really nice and funny, their names were Barnaby, Steve and James and they were from Australia and New Zealand. It was omg brilliant, we danced and the music was excellent. Elin had nice new shoes and Tora was dressed like a tøs with a big cleavage and Elin had a yacht-like outfit in white and red stripes and a skirt. When El Divino started closing we shared a taxi with a tall guy we officially hadn’t talked to before and we were invited to an afterparty with all the guys. We thanked them, but turned them down, took a cold footbath and went to sleep. Like, about 7 in the morning.
Day 2:
We got up at 1 and ate pizza for breakfast at a place quite close to the hotel. We got shots for dessert, for breakfast, lol. Haha. After that we went to the beach, Tora in her grandmother bikini and Elin in her military camouflage bikini. We were otherwise topless, which was nice. Following beach-timez we went shopping far off, Tora bought beautiful, glittering shoes and we ate spaghetti with loads of garlic at a place called “Pinocchio”. Then we made sure to tear down some Hed Kandi posters because they were nice and we had been there the day before. We wandered around and looked in different shops, slept a little at the hotel and ate dinner with the boys at the Mexican place. Go go! Then we went out, we met a good looking French bartender that bought us free drinks and he sat down at our table and we talked about Norway and how cold it is. We exaggerated a little with the temperature really and said that it could be down to -30 in the winter. He completely freaked when we told him, and he was like “Less thirty? Not for me! Not for me! – Less thirty, not for me!” while he was shaking and jittering as if afraid of the temperature being contagious, haha. Then we met up with the boys again, but decided to do something different from them, so we went to fetish night at Pacha, Elin dressed in black with black makeup and Tora in white. We were like contrasts! Cool, huh? Yeah.
Anyway, the place was huge and the music was really good. There weren’t that many people there, but there were tons of strippers doing acrobatics on a pole that went from the floor to the ceiling. Very impressive. They had diamond masks, whips and were kinkying around like there was no tomorrow, super-duper awesome. Some stupid Spanish boy tried to convince us he was from Sweden, which was possibly the worst pick up line in history. Especially since we didn’t even believe him for a split second, Norwegians can understand Swedish --for future reference. What a complete idiot. We met up with some Germans or possibly Americans that were willingly buying us a lot of liquor, but one of them presented himself as “Beethoven” (because his name was Ludwig) and he was a moron of intergalactic dimensions, so we didn’t want to hang out with them. Going down a staircase the Pacha photographer took pictures of us. Then we went into the loo and prayed to God we’d meet some funny brits, even though we didn’t. The show and music was amazing and incredible, but we got really tired to we walked parts of the way home, then took a taxi and fell asleep.
Day 3.
We overslept and didn’t leave the room until one in the afternoon. We ate some cheap, but disgusting baguettes we bought at the local grocery store for breakfast. Then we went to the hot beach and inflated the giant mattress. Sindre, Hugo and Fredheim joined us at the beach, they sat and gave grades to the passing women’s tits. For a moment they went swimming, and it looked like Sindre was giving Hugo a bj, quite positively. We ate superdeli burritos at the beach, namnam. Then we bought more food at that bakery we fell in love with, sausages and muffins. We went shopping (again) buying more things we didn’t need and then ate cheap Chinese oil in food for dinner, eugh, gross.
We were however good girls and went out in flipflops and bought tickets for Amnesia, we got a taxi there and walked around the entire place before realizing were the entrance was. It seemed a little deserted in the beginning, but we danced our butts off to the awesome music because the theme was Disco Invaders and it was opening night for Cocoon, so everyone was in a wicked party mood. After a while if got fuller and fuller, and it was packed with people and it was so hot you could pass out any moment. Every now and then they set off an ice-cannon that blew cold all over the dancefloor for a few seconds, incredible. But despite these rare (though occurring) shots of cold, we were overheated and decided to sneak in to the VIP section up at the terrace. Seeing we were supercool we just slid right past the line to the VIP section like we belonged there and just went right in. No stress! It was cooler up there, free massage and a lot of probably quite rich people. But we weren’t pleased about that, we wanted to get through the next filter using the same tactics. And do you think it worked? You’d be damn right it did! Eazy peazy lemon squeezy! We found ourselves a cool, fresh table with a sofa were we got a LOT of free alcohol by a rich gay man and his friends for the trade of us sitting there looking nice in return. Good deal I say. We looked down over the dancing masses and laughed at the man that danced with a pillow and did stretching exercises afterwards. Completely normal, yeah, don’t worry about it. After drinking what we wanted to and having a really awesome time up there, we decided that it was time to go down and dance some more. On our way out of VIP we stopped by one of the tables and asked if we could get a Red Bull. The guy owning the table said they cost a kiss on the cheek, a cheap red bull considering they cost about 10€ down in the bar. We binged the red bull and danced up on the small stage in the middle of the room with some British boys. It was soooo awesome, seriously. Then we took a taxi almost all the way home and searched until we found Disco Invaders posters, because we just had to have them. We went to bed like 06:30 in the morning.
Day 4:
Ehm yes, we like put an alarm clock on, but we didn’t get up until like twelve because we suck, right. Anyway Tora was sunburnt. We had to explore, and we found food. Bomb. Our precious bakery with pizza and little good tasting things. Elin insisted on going to an internet café because she had to send a few mails. A little kid at the café was listening to loud music from his dads phone, he was the cutest thing ever. Beach? Yes, beach! Seeing we had this splendid signal-pink matress Elin kind of had to go sunbathing on it in the water. Tora got more sunburnt on the beach and dug a tower, and a hole. But seeing she was burnt like a crisp she couldn’t possibly sleep on the beach, so she went up to the hotel while Elin continued her epic sunbathing. We saved money (good girls) by eating Mexican in our hotelroom. We had fajita and burrito but couldn’t spot any actual difference even though one cost more than the other. They tasted nice anyway.
But seeing we had saved money for dinner, we had to use money on some other bullshit, yeah? Hm? What? Yes, that’s nice. Clothes! And bling. We found a nice bag shaped like a bus, it was red. But then we went to the cash machine to withdraw some money, but it was a little whore that ate Elin’s card. Stupid stupid stupid! Mongomachine. That meant we had to eat some more food, to make things up. That’s the way it is. We obviously had to pay more for the food just to get them with sparkly glowing burning sticks thingies on it. So we ate at the Mexican place, as per usual where the Mexican lady (the crazy one with the braids) asked if we wanted to share the dessert. It was a dessert version of the Mexican dish called Chimichanga. The waitress chick totally lost it and went “share?! YAH! Chimichanga, chimichanga, chimichanga, chimichanga, chimichanga” all the way out to the kitchen. We think Chimichanga was some kind of deep fried pancakes, we’re a little uncertain because the crazy woman kind of stole the show. We were good girls and didn’t go out so we saved more money (yesyes) and went to bed like one or two.
Day 5:
We had as usual lots of plans for the day, we were supposed to go on a nice boat with glass floor to look at the beautiful ocean, but we were lazy and didn’t bother to get up on time. We buttered up with insane amounts of sunscreen and were sticky and sweaty by the time we went to our favourite bakery called Canela. We bought lots of tasty breakfast that we brought to the beach. In the water we found a weird purple jellyfish that we dug down and poked a lot. You know, the stuff you do with jellyfish. But it was also quite possibly a squid. We played with some Danish boys in the water, we tried to play ball, they were about as bad as us, not as bad as Tora – obviously, that played with her own set of rules. Hm? They threw the ball to the sides so we had to jump after them. They were called something Danish like “Kasper” or something, and didn’t understand Norwegian at all. Strange that. Odd. Seeing we were sunburnt we went up and bought the red buddbag ”Ibsens redcurrant and other bussbags.” We also ate pizza at some kind of place. We bought really nice sweets, skulls, dolphins and tacos in bright colours. Went back t the hotel, tried to freshen up and ate more Mexican. Hm? What? We also had drinks with more sparkly burning things in them. Bought tickets for La Troya at Space from our usual ticket dealer, and went to Space. Stood in a line for a moment and got asked for ID. We were totally taken aback. They thought we were under 16. Mighty God, what a complete failure, definitely the insult of the century. We WALKED back to the hotel and took photocopies of our passports, because they were obviously valid as ID, wtf.
We took a taxi back to Space AGAIN. Found out that our tickets were NOT valid tickets, but flyers – we’d been scammed! We went all the way back to the ticketman and yelled at him, only to discover that we had a double set of tickets in my bag – the flyers and tickets looked identical, which meant we had only shown the woman the wrong ones! Christ! We were really angry and just walked away. Took a taxi back to Space yet again, got in(!) oh my. And we had a blast. Lots of hawt chicks in cowboy costumes (because La Troya’s release party was tex mex themed) were dancing in cages and up on stages. Got smacked on the bum a lot. A walking bar ploughed through the crowd and handed out shots or something. We danced and danced, the music was quite funky – La Troya was a giant man in woman clothes on stilts. Later we discovered that all the hawt dancers were in fact men. Oh yeah, hello Ibiza. Transvestites the lot of them, and gays of course, and Brits (unknown sexual preference, you never know), obviously. We met Louise, Mikey and Will – which was really nice. Six in the morning the brits took us home to their place and then we went down to the beach and smoked in the sunrise. We bid farewell, walked home to the hotel and packed and were cool. We ate toast for breakfast at a place near the hotel where they played Bent. Tora took a taxi to the airport where she bought a pencil.
Text from Will:
Hola Chica, it’s Will. This is Louises phonenumber. I call you a bit later about Bora Bora. Can you text me back just so I know that I got the right number. X
Text from Elin:
No this is completely the wrong number. You’ve reached Ali Baba’s carpet cleaning. Get two yards extra for 2.99!
Text from Will:
Oh Dear. I don’t suppose you have any Norwegian girls, would you, Ali Baba?
Text from Elin:
Alright. Now that you mention it, there’s some cheap ones in the back.
Text from Will:
Bueno Ali! Send a blonde one to my hotelroom as fast as you can por favor?! RAPIDO ALI! Me muey gusta blonde Norwegian chicas. Se sexy! X
Day 6:
Here our journey split in two! Because Tora went home to Norway to go to Lofoten with her family, and this is what happened:
Tora was still wearing her crazy makeup from the night at Space, and everyone on the airport was giving her strange looks. She hadn’t slept at all, so the journey in itself took place in a hazy, shaky mist. She ate the biggest burger in history at Stansted and spent the following seven hours sleeping on top of her suitcase in the mellow sunlight from the big windows. Occasionally, she awoke and talked a bit with a man from Ukraine that was taking his fiancée home to show her to his family for the first time. The rest is actually quite unclear, but she got home somehow – and spent a lovely weekend with her family in Lofoten (northern fucking freezing Norway) where she had about twice as much to drink as she had altogether doing her stay in Ibiza.
Elin Thursday (same day)
Alright, so Tora left me here with all the toady Spaniards. I didn’t know what to do with myself now that I was all alone, and figured I should go back to the hotel before I got completely lost. Besides, I could do with some sleep. I tidied up a bit, cause the hotel room looked like it could use an archaeological excavation. Then I fell asleep, and slept until noon, when my phone woke me up. I fought the urge to throw the phone out the window in the pool so it would drown and die slowly for waking me, and got up.
I walked all the way to the beach by Wills hotel, and I’m very proud, cause I found the way all by my self. I picked some shells, and then Will came and took me to Bora Bora.
When we got there I realised that I’d just localized all the british people. And here we thought we’d been properly screwed, but no, we were just on the wrong beach. Fucking great. At least I found them in the end, so we’ll know where to go the next time we want to hear the cute british accent! Ok, the next few hours can be summed up easily (as I think a detailed description of what Will and I were doing, was better to be left out): sleep, swim, chill. I actually asked if it was ok for Will that I took of my bikinitop, he said yes, please do, and mouthed “Thank you” to the sky.
When you have a beach filled with white/pink brits, you’re bound to find someone that’ll draw your attention. All of a sudden a rather plump guy is walking down from the restaurant to the water, wearing a baby pink bikini. Surrounding him was a numerous other people who came to look when he started dancing in the water, and like a stripper, taking off the biking top showing off his moobs.
Ehh yes… Alright, so the man in pink is gone and there are now three guys in thongs fighting in the water. Just playing I think, and there are some on the beach filming this. At some point the thongs they were wearing was torn, and there was a lot of cocks everywhere. I went for a swim, and didn’t really mind, well I looked and giggled obviously, but I was hot and needed a swim. I was a little to the side of the fight. When I walked out of the water I could see the guys on the beach filming, slowly turn their camera from the wrestling men to me. The first few seconds I was confused, I didn’t think they’d bother to film me, but I realised how wrong I was, and covered myself with my arms. Guy with cam: “ahhh, you ruined it!”
After a while Will and I went for a pizza at the restaurant by the beach.
Half eight Will had to go to the airport, so I went back to my hotel. I ate a burrito and slept some more. Then the boys called me. I could see myself pouring a bowl of spaghetti over Sindres head while I resentfully answered the phone. So, I was a good girl, got up, bought them 6 burritos and went to their hotel, which took quite a while since I managed to get lost on the way and Sindre had to come and get me. All of them were shit ass sunburned everywhere, especially in the face. They looked absolutely hilarious sitting there, like beetroots, trying to eat their burrito without hurting themselves by opening their mouth to much. Vors.
Went into town to get tickets to a club. We ended up with Privelige, which is the worlds biggest nightclub. Awesome. When we got there, I imagined to be overwhelmed by how big it was with lots of lights and a super fancy image. It wasn’t exactly like I’d pictured it. First of all, I don’t think the whole club was open, because there weren’t enough people there. Second it looked like and old train station. It was actually so similar that I think it was, in fact, a train station. The floor was asphalt with the occasional manhole covers, and the toilets looked like public toilets where you have to pay to get in. They had a swimming pool though, that was pretty funky. Just for decoration mind. The music was not of my liking either, but the dancers were great! I spent a lot of time looking at them.
As we were dancing, a small Danish guy came up to me. I’d thought that none would have any interest in me as I was there with three other guys, but clearly I was wrong. The small Danish guy was very small (smaller than me) and very annoying. So by gesturing wildly to Hugo that we had to go outside, I escaped still with my boobs attached. Niiiice.
Martin and I tried laughing gas! That was… strange. Geees, fun! Other than that we just danced our bums off. I had my blinking lolly of course, which attracted the guy who filmed the club, and he put the camera in my face as I danced.
We danced til dawn, and took a taxi home. The boys were real gentlemen and told the taxidriver to go to my hotel, and said they would walk from there. Credz.
My feet hurt. BED!
Day 7:
Today I had no other choice but to get up early as I was checking out. To be honest I think it would be fair and square if I got an extra hour in the hotelroom as they’d been so slow giving us the room when we came. So up at eleven after 2,5 hours sleep. Packed, checked out and walked all the long way to the boy’s hotel. A much more fancy hotel in most ways (and also thrice the price) so they could keep the luggage there as we bummed around. As Sindre, Fredheim and Hugo still looked like three sundried tomatoes with a bad rash they went to get, not only sunlotion, but sunblock. Hugo also got an old-fashion-for-old-men-with-ugly-t-shirts-and-pale-legs-hat. Not the best hat for him I’d say, but it’s much better to wear a hat then expose your skin to even more sun when you’re sunburned. I tried to take a picture of him, sitting in the shadow, with the hat and the white sunblock all over his face, but I was not allowed. Oh well.
Went for breakfast, very good indeed. Chicken sandwich with smoothie to drink. Then we grabbed a taxi and hit off to
After that we went to a restaurant someone had recommended me near the beach. It had a perfect view for the sunset, the food was great and as the waiters were all british, they understood what we said, so we didn’t have to use wild hand gestures and mimes. Hanyway, looked at the sunset, and it was really beautiful. Got a text from Tora saying: “I have four degrees and rain”. Ate the pizza and tried to find a taxi. On the way someone threw a burrito out the window, and hit Sindre in the head. LOL
Got a taxi back, and had a shower and changed at the hotel. Then we chilled out in a room there, deploring ourselves for leaving so we couldn’t go to the night club and see groove armada. *cry* Got a burrito for the road and took a taxi to the airport. I bought 2 CDs and a t-shirt! Whoop whoop! Allrighty, they called for us to get to the gate, and we finally managed to drag ourselves there, they were slightly irritable, telling us that “we were the last ones”.
Sindre, Martin and I sat on one row, while Hugo was placed in the row in front. My trip was good enough, I curled up on Sindres lap, making him and Martin cuddle me, and slept for most of the way. Hugo on the other hand must’ve had a disastrous time, sitting next to some bloody idiots who decided that the way home from Ibiza was the best time to share a bottle of tequila they’d bought on the airport. But in the end we got to the airport safely, and we all wanted to go back when we got out on the platform and once again breathed the cold Norwegian air.
